12:55 a.m. - 2005-12-11
A nights torment
I've spent many nights throughout my 27 years just like this one, in torment, in what seems a hopeless depression. The specifics of the current nights torment are not important, although they seem very important to me now, whats important is to understand that this torment lies somewhere deep inside me, supressed, asleep, until when on nights like tonight something brings it to the surface like a pot of hot water simmering on the stove until, when the cicumstances align, boils over into a face full of tears and a tissue full of mucas. On the surface it seems like the torment comes from whatever the issue is at the time and that if that particular issue were solved everything would be alright. However in my 27 years it seems that whatever the issue would be it would always elicit the same depressive response which leads me to believe that all of the diverse things that have tormented me over my existance all antagonize one singular problem that lies somewhere in the core of my psyche. I have yet to identify this singular problem but I believe the mere knowledge of its existance brings me one step closer to abolising it altogether. It has been said that the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world that he didnt exist. I do believe that that saying rings true for this singular problem that I am talking about. My grandfather was an alcoholic and i remember my aunt saying that whenever he picked up the bottle that he became and different person. She threw all of the blame squarly on the alcohol which I believe is a common mistake, you see alcohol tears away layers of inhibition and whats left when all inhibition breaks way?.....Its that singular problem that ive been talking about, that problem that whenever antagonized always elicits the same response. She always said that whenever he drank past a certain amount that whatever they did irritated him to the point of abusive anger. Some would say the my grandfather was an alcoholic and that he needed to be treated for the "disease of alcoholism", I would go a step further than that and say that there was a reason that my grandfather was an alcoholic and that that singular underlying problem, whatever it was, was what needed treatment. In any event the torment that I still at this second feel is symtomatic of a larger underlying issue that i hope tonight i may have come a stride closer to understanding.
