12:52 a.m. - 2007-05-29
Looking Back
I spend my life looking back. Looking back at the good times Ive had and the people that I spent them with, the people who aren’t here anymore. Its really sad because I feel like the best times of my life have already gone by. I feel like the best people have passed on and that I am never going to come across another soul in the five billion or so on this earth like the ones that I have lost. I know that’s not a very optimistic way of viewing the future but sometimes optimism isn’t my strong suit. Looking back the lion share of this pessimistic thinking started about seven years ago when life as I knew it broke onto two pieces. Sometimes there is an event that has such impact in your life that you begin to look at life in two pieces, before this event and after this event. My life broke into two pieces when the beautiful, smart, funny, ever shining beacon of warm loving light that was my sister died on November 10, 2001. I spend this Memorial Day remembering the wonderful person she was as well as aching for the wonderful person she would have become.
Krista was my older sister by three years and after having spent my entire life with her warm loving essence always around me I never ever thought that I would have to spend the rest of my life without her. She was my best friend, mother and sister all manifested in one shining soul. When she died I felt like two thirds of me went with her. Me and Krista could talk about anything from the deepest of subjects like the nature of life and God to lightheartedly dissecting every detail of the latest blockbuster movie that had just come out. It seemed that there was some unseen force that connected our two minds and that if I started a sentence she could always finish it. I have thus far never connected with anyone the way that me and her connected. I don’t mean to downplay the very close relationships that I have acquired over the years; I do have many very close friends that I love dearly. There just is a different kind of bond that you have with a sibling, a love that never had to be learned or acquired, a love that seems as natural as breath. I feel like the love I have for Krista has existed as long as my eternal soul has. It’s funny, when someone that close to you goes away its like every good thing that you experience after that is bittersweet because they weren’t there with you. When I see a great movie or accomplish something that Im proud of I always want to run and tell Krista. When I come in contact with someone or make a new friend that I just adore I always wish Krista could have met them and they could have met her. Krista was an English major and wrote poetry and other things and in one of her writings she spoke about a dream that she had about me when we were younger, it was after we got done watching a horror movie and I wanted to sleep with her for comfort. She wrote, “That night I dreamed that Scott was drowning in the Ocean and I couldn’t save him. I woke up scared, but didn’t wake him. He needed his sleep.” I take comfort in her dream and apply it in my life today. Maybe Krista can see me, sometimes struggling in the ocean that is this life; maybe she does see my accomplishments and friends. I do feel a bit like Im drowning down here sometimes and I know that she wants to help but cant. That’s ok though it’s enough for me to know that she sees me and still loves me as much as I love her.
